Keeping up the good work. Got organized early, organized again before bed. Feelin good about that!
Had frantic dreams last night, B says I was thrashing my legs. Woke myself up making strange noises with my mouth :) I think I'm stressed, but the good kind of stress. It's exciting right now and I'm putting my integrity on the line with people. I have to prove myself, I can't fuck around and half-ass things like I'm used to doing. I conducted interviews today and was humbled by a few people. They know and love their line of work, and take pride in it. I can't say I've felt that way about anything in a long time...I want to deserve this position that I've been given. So that's why I'm nervous, but the good kind. So far so good, I'm making myself proud.
I wish I had the energy I feel at night in the morning. I'm so slow to start, I waste a lot of time.
I like Luna.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Angry Blog
I'm really angry right now!
It will subside, I just need to figure out what to do so I can settle down.
I'm pretty sure I'm still on the right track. I keep letting outside forces sidetrack me; nothing too devastating so far but I need to reel it back in.
Am I really an idiot? It would seem that some people in my life think so. I'm frustrated...do I need to try to figure out how not to be an idiot? Or am I fine, and do I tell them to go fuck themselves?
If I really am an idiot, this could just be great advice that I need to hear from a friend. But if I really am ok, then I need new friends. I have no idea how to continue on from here. I'm sick of feeling badly about myself. I've gone through enough shit in my life (some self-imposed, some not), I already feel bad enough.
I'm thinking that I'm just in a vicious cycle; I don't like myself, so I don't perform correctly. I fuck up whatever I'm doing, and end up not liking myself more.
So I need to have the people in my life on-board with the whole "liking myself" attitude, or I'm going to fail miserably.
Actually, yes. FUCK 'EM. I'm alright.
It will subside, I just need to figure out what to do so I can settle down.
I'm pretty sure I'm still on the right track. I keep letting outside forces sidetrack me; nothing too devastating so far but I need to reel it back in.
Am I really an idiot? It would seem that some people in my life think so. I'm frustrated...do I need to try to figure out how not to be an idiot? Or am I fine, and do I tell them to go fuck themselves?
If I really am an idiot, this could just be great advice that I need to hear from a friend. But if I really am ok, then I need new friends. I have no idea how to continue on from here. I'm sick of feeling badly about myself. I've gone through enough shit in my life (some self-imposed, some not), I already feel bad enough.
I'm thinking that I'm just in a vicious cycle; I don't like myself, so I don't perform correctly. I fuck up whatever I'm doing, and end up not liking myself more.
So I need to have the people in my life on-board with the whole "liking myself" attitude, or I'm going to fail miserably.
Actually, yes. FUCK 'EM. I'm alright.
Monday, January 12, 2009
A Brush of a Different Bristle...
Very proud after today. Feeling a high off of it; can't sleep, wish there were more hours in the day. I LOVE this feeling! And I seem to be on auto pilot, at least for now. I do things without thinking about them too much, almost like I've formed HABITS. Good habits; such a concept!
What could possibly bring me down? Ha, I have a good answer to that question.
Super Bowl is looming.
Mom's having a GREAT day, just because Sean and I both had good news for her, mine of a more selfish nature but still good to her all the same. I feel a little sad that her whole day is made off of hearing from both of us. I know she's lonely, she's told me as much. I decided just now that this will be a good year for her.
I shouldn't be doing this before bed. Brandon warned me.
What could possibly bring me down? Ha, I have a good answer to that question.
Super Bowl is looming.
Mom's having a GREAT day, just because Sean and I both had good news for her, mine of a more selfish nature but still good to her all the same. I feel a little sad that her whole day is made off of hearing from both of us. I know she's lonely, she's told me as much. I decided just now that this will be a good year for her.
I shouldn't be doing this before bed. Brandon warned me.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Doop
He has NEVER had a real name!
I just realized this suddenly, and it finally struck me as funny and appropriate. He's this constant source of happiness and friendliness that I've just never been able to characterize...
Always a nickname, never a name.
I just realized this suddenly, and it finally struck me as funny and appropriate. He's this constant source of happiness and friendliness that I've just never been able to characterize...
Always a nickname, never a name.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
New Me?
So far I've done everything I said I was going to do. That's new for me. I usually have the best of intentions and never follow through. I'd like to give myself the credit, but I know better. I'm always influenced by the people I surround myself with... at least it appears that I'm making better choices about those people.
I'm hoping I can influence a couple people in my life to do the same; I want to make them want to be better people. But it only works if I keep up the good work and don't slide back down the slope. Luckily, that's not really an option if I plan on keeping the company that I keep.
Is this it? Am I cured? Do I get to feel good about myself from now on? Can I now allow myself a little bit of pride, and will this change the way I hold myself in public?
I'm alarmed by two things:
One, that I couldn't do this on my own. Maybe that's just something I'll have to get over, maybe this is the only way. But I really wish I were stronger.
Two, I know where I'm slipping already. Nothing big, not yet. But I know there are things I'm avoiding taking care of, and they sit there in the back of my mind and keep me awake at night. Why, if I have the time, am I not making time?
I do know that I've made extreme leaps and bounds, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But I've been making excuses for a VERY long time, and at this point I know that that's ALL they are. I have absolutely no more excuses, I've used them all up.
Lets keep our fingers crossed and really BELIEVE that we are an adult, capable of handling our life and all aspects of that life, just like everyone else does every day.
It's still very early in the game, though...
I'm hoping I can influence a couple people in my life to do the same; I want to make them want to be better people. But it only works if I keep up the good work and don't slide back down the slope. Luckily, that's not really an option if I plan on keeping the company that I keep.
Is this it? Am I cured? Do I get to feel good about myself from now on? Can I now allow myself a little bit of pride, and will this change the way I hold myself in public?
I'm alarmed by two things:
One, that I couldn't do this on my own. Maybe that's just something I'll have to get over, maybe this is the only way. But I really wish I were stronger.
Two, I know where I'm slipping already. Nothing big, not yet. But I know there are things I'm avoiding taking care of, and they sit there in the back of my mind and keep me awake at night. Why, if I have the time, am I not making time?
I do know that I've made extreme leaps and bounds, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But I've been making excuses for a VERY long time, and at this point I know that that's ALL they are. I have absolutely no more excuses, I've used them all up.
Lets keep our fingers crossed and really BELIEVE that we are an adult, capable of handling our life and all aspects of that life, just like everyone else does every day.
It's still very early in the game, though...
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